so my new best friend is my puppy, liesl, i fell in love with her right away and she is such a miracle. she’s beautiful and smart and just the best friend i could have other than my dad.
my dad made such a sacrifice by getting her…moneys tight and he’s spent so much on her, and it’s all for me because he knows how depressed i am and he knows how much i’ve always wanted a dog, and he got a german shepherd on purpose because then i won’t be scared of being home alone anymore..but in the mean time, him trying to make me happy has made things worse for him, he’s sleeping on the couch and getting up every 2 hours and it’s not good for his health..the money he spent on Liesl was going to go towards a dishwasher because i’m a fucking failure of a child and i don’t clean around the house even though i’m ocd about germs. i’m an idiot, honestly, i don’t know how my dad can love me so much when i don’t treat him anywhere near well enough. i love him more than anything in this entire world and he is the only person i trust, i can’t even trust myself but i trust him, he does everything for me. literally, everything…and i don’t do enough in return and he doesn’t expect anything in return anyways but that’s not the point, i owe him so much, he’s the only thing that stops me from killing myself. because i know it would wreck him, and i can’t have that happen, i couldn’t ever let him think it was his fault because it’s the complete opposite, he is the only thing that keeps me here (and now, my puppy as well) but honestly if he wasn’t there for me i’d have been long gone. when i hear stories of other girls who have bad relationships with their dads it makes me so sad but so thankful for what i have, i can tell him anything. when i’m away from my dad, all i want is a big hug from him, and when i’m with him, i already start to miss him in advance for the next time i’ll be away from him. my dad is my hero, my honest-to-God hero, and he deserves all the best in life. he deserves everything he could ever want and i wish he could have everything in life that he wants. it isn’t fair how the good people in life have the hard times, and all the bad people get all the breaks in life and have everything they could ever ask for when they don’t work for it and don’t deserve it..
anyways enough of this rant but i needed to say this stuff. i love my dad more than anything, he is my best friend, my hero, and my life saver. if not for him, i’d be dead by now.
valentines day is coming up, in less than 10 days, and I’m dreading it. our school is selling flowers again, that you can send to your crush. ive never gotten one, ever, and so I’m really not excited for another repeat year of this…every year I send them but never get them, and if I do get them it’s from one of my friends, not an actual valentine. maybe I should save my money this year and not even send any; id just send them anonymously anyways. that doesn’t matter though, even I put my name on them it wouldn’t make a difference. even if I sent a whole dozen to one boy and wrote “from melissa” and gave it to him with some big orchestra musical number where it turns into a flash mob and stuff..no he wouldn’t care. no matter what I do he’d never like me, so maybe this year I should just give up
so i stumbled across this picture i took in june, lol wut, i wish i could be happy like this again, i couldnt even remember why i was so happy but then i realized like as im typing this that it was because a boy ive always liked talked to me
i havent felt happy in so long, i feel the complete polar opposite of happy, im never happy anymore and i feel like i have nothing left. no one understands, not even i do, and its hard as fuck to deal with.
dead on the inside, dying on the out
i hate how i always get a tingle in my nose right before i’m about to cry my eyes out
because it wasnt appropriate